Diary of a Sugar Addict

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I woke up this morning feeling defeated!

Absolutely defeated!

So much so, that I got up, at 7, went the bathroom, then went back to bed. I knew my kids were okay, and that, quite literally, I did not want to get out of bed and face the day.

I could still feel the sugar I ate the night before coursing through my system. The rice crispy treats, with the icing on top, that ended up an ewy-gooey mess. #pinterestfail

Kids Should Not Be Allowed to Grow Up

You see, my baby turned 5, two days ago. Something that makes my heart sad and depressed. I wish they could stay little just a little bit longer. My babies should not be getting bigger! As he rejoiced he was turning 5, and counting it down every day, my heart ached because I wanted him to be cuddled up in my arms, carrying around 4 pacis, with one in his mouth, or even still want to crawl in bed with me.

But time flies, and I feel like it’s flying by faster and faster. And so I was making these birthday rice crispy treats for his preschool birthday party. They were supposed to have this icing on top, but when I poured it over the top, it went down through the cracks and sat in the bottom of the pan. Frustrated, because it didn’t turn out as I planned, I sat down to watch TV with my husband.

I tried sticking them into the refrigerator, and that didn’t work. So I tried them, to see if they still tasted good. Would I still be able to take them to the preschool?

But one bite turned into two, and then into 10. Wait…. how did I already eat a whole row?

Truth is, it always happens that way. ALWAYS!

One is Never Enough

I read a book about an alcoholic once, and he said: I used to think it was about not taking the second drink. Because the second always lead to more. But then I realized that it was about not taking the first drink. If you don’t take the first one, you don’t have to worry about the second, third, or tenth.

And that’s true for me. I can’t have just one. (Like the Lay’s commercial used to claim.) If no one’s watching, or I’m in the privacy of my own home, I binge.

And binge I did, last night. My perfectly, on point day, turned into a perfected disaster. Feeling ashamed of myself, I headed to bed, late again. Berating myself all the way.

And because I went to bed that way, I dreamed negative dreams, and woke up not wanting to get out of bed.

What would it be like to lay in bed all day? I’ve never done that. Though it sounded nice!

But, I have responsibilities. So I pulled myself out of bed at 7:30 and went to make sure my kids are getting ready for school. And of course they were. Because I have great kids! And they know what they’re supposed to do in the morning. They have a routine, and they were doing it. So I sent the older two out the door, for their bus.

I then, didn’t shower, but got dressed, to take my now 5 year old to preschool.

After finding a better, less messy treat for his birthday party, I headed to my meeting.

I do weight watchers. I thought it would hold me accountable, but it doesn’t. Let’s face it, I have to make the decision to change, and I have yet to find the reason. My Why.

But I walked in there, requested not to weigh in, because I didn’t need another knife, and sat down. And just listened. No participating this time.

I know all the answers. I know what I should and shouldn’t be doing. I know what foods are good for me, and what aren’t. But when it comes to making choices, I make the wrong ones.

I know that at restaurants there are foods, and better foods. And I pick my same old foods. I know I don’t make sweets at my house, because I’ll eat them…. ALL! But I do anyways.

I know what I should be doing… but I don’t. I feel out of control. Completely out of control.

So as listened in my meeting today, I tried not to cry. But a few tears slipped out anyways. There were new people sitting around me, ones that were new, and that I didn’t know. And I cheered for their success.

And I felt awful the whole time. Why couldn’t I make the changes? Why I have I been sitting here since February, and now weigh more then when I started? More then I had in years!

It’s not the program. The program works. As do most diets. They’ll work. But, for it to work, I have to do the program.

For more than 10 years I’ve struggled with this. Struggled! Maybe it’s more, I let weight loss control my life. And I let food control me.

I’ve tried giving up sweets on multiple occasions. But then I would go right back to it.

Sometimes We Have to Separate Ourselves From Toxic Friends

As I was sitting there in my meeting, a lady was talking about how she’d been there for 7 years, losing and gaining the same weight. Last week she had hit her 50 lbs lost. And she said, that last week was when she started mourning food. Food had been her “best friend” for so long. And she had to get to a point where she wasn’t living to eat. She had finally started changing her mindset. She was finally getting there. And she was finally not allowing food to rule her.

As I sat there and thought about it. I realized she’s right. Food is not the enemy, but I have allowed it to rule my life. Sweets, more specifically, rule my life. When I have them I feel out of control. I can’t stop at just one or two. I think about sweets all the time.

And I’m definitely an addict. A sugar addict.

Sugar is like a toxic friend. You feel drained after being with them. You feel like they’re always trying to bring you down. You don’t feel good about yourself or like yourself when they’re around. They’re toxic.

And sometimes, you just have to remove toxic friends from your life.

And that’s what I realized sugar was for me, it was toxic. It was a toxic friend. It has no nutritional value. It’s full of empty calories and empty lies. It never makes me feel better. In fact, quite the opposite. It always makes me feel worse. Physically and mentally.

A Different Perspective

During quiet time at my house (my 5 year old just stopped taking naps, so we now do quiet time) I pulled out my book and got back to reading it. The book is David A. Kessler’s The End of Overeating.

We do certain things, to get a reward. Sweets is my feel better, my reward, for so many things. But even though it’s my reward, in the end, I feel rotten. My stomach doesn’t feel good and I just want to kick myself. And yet, I do it over and over again.

Dr. Kessler was talking about creating a new reward, something that will keep me away from eating whatever it is that you’re desiring. So when the desire to eat something sweet hits, you make the decision to NOT eat it, and you’re reward is feeling good yourself. And as I was reading this, I was thinking about it, if I eat something not good for me, I feel bad about myself. But if I overcame the temptation, and didn’t eat, I would feel good about myself. I would be proud of myself. And I would give myself a little pat on the back.

So the idea is, instead of feeling stimulated by the sugar, you feel stimulated by what you accomplished.

Dr. Kessler talked about playing the reel in your head. Imagine you feeling the desire, saying no, and then patting yourself on the back, feeling good about yourself. Play the reel when you have the desire. Play it all the way through. It’s like visualization. Visualize your accomplishment and how it will feel.

Then, when it isn’t a movie, it’s real life, you feel the same way. Give yourself a physical pat on the back, a high five, or some words of encouragement for being persistent, and not giving in to temptation.

The Power of Visualization

I know the power of visualization. Heck, it’s something Olympians, business people, and the miracle morning community all do. Visualizing you accomplishing a goal or reaching your dream.

Visualization is going to be my first step.

Let’s face it, I know, like the former alcoholic, it’s not about taking the second cookie, it’s about taking the first. So, I will not take the first. I will remove these “toxic friends” from my life and rely on them no more. I will start to visualize the steps: cue, saying no, celebration. And I will put them into action.

I will learn to celebrate the small victory of just saying no, the first time.

And I will move forward. Sweets, are not important. I do not need them to survive. Instead they are just empty calories. They will not help me become better. They only bring me down.

Good bye sweets. You will be missed. I will probably even mourn you, as my friend in the Weight Watchers meeting did. But I will not allow you to ruin my life any longer. I will not allow you to rule my life any longer. Don’t come calling or texting, I will not answer.