The Big Picture

posted in: Self Discovery | 0

I feel like I’m in a rut.


It’s more like a gulf, a canyon.

It’s huge. And I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water.

Like coughing and spluttering and just barely trying to keep my head above water.

I’m drowning.

And I’m afraid, I’m on the verge of having depression, though I’m not quite there yet.

And to top it off, my hormones are completely out of whack!

I have these dips in blood sugar and I get dizzy and almost like claustrophobic.

They room gets really hot and stuffy, and I’m drowning.

I don’t know how else to explain it.

I had my first panic attack over this past summer, and now I feel that I’m just this >< far from having another one.

It’s always just around the corner.

And when I feel cornered, anxious, or overwhelmed it looms just a little bit closer.

You know what doesn’t help with all this?

My coping mechanism: FOOD.

It causes plummets in my blood sugar and major mood swings.

It causes me to overeat and feel out-of-control.

It causes me to binge and then hide it.

Honestly… I feel a mess. And I feel like I have no self-control.

I feel stressed-out, overwhelmed, and tired ALL. THE. TIME.

And what’s my solution to that?

I sit down and play on my phone so that I can have an escape, or I go eat.

Another escape??? I buy more things.

Which is counterproductive, because that just means that I have more things that I have to find a plaace to put away. Or it doesn’t get put away and sits on my island with a million other things.

Do you know how much I hate to clean??? I hate it! It’s a waste of my time. And yet, we have soooo much stuff!

Too much stuff! And with the amount of stuff that I have at my house, there’s no way that my house is staying clean.

Plus, all that stuff that is not put away, causes discomfort. It keeps me up-tight and stressed out. And always in the back of my mind that there’s something that I need/have to do.

Which makes things more stressed out.

I generally do not think of my life as stressful. But this last year, with COVID, I realize how much I have on my plate. Or how over-crowded my plate is.

I feel like I can accomplish one thing, but still have eight million more things I need to do.

That’s tiring, overwhelming, and…. I just feel heavy.

Is that the right word for it? I don’t know.

I just feel so burdened.

I guess that goes back to the top: I feel like I’m barely staying above water. And I’m losing.

The Big Picture

So now I need to step back and evaluate my life.

I’m clearly in over my head and need to clear somethings off my plate.

First, I’m going to literally, clear my plate…

Or really, clean out my house.

I have felt for some time that I need a thorough clean out. Like a I’m-getting-ready-to-move clean out.

So, I’m going to spend April doing that.

Top to bottom.

I’m going to go through every nook and cranny.

I was watching a documentary the other day about minimalism. After one guy went through his entire house, a second guy decided he wanted to do it, but a lot faster.

So they boxed up everything, like he was moving, then as he would need something over the next one or two weeks, he would pull it out of the box. After 4 weeks, everything left in the boxes, he got rid of. He didn’t use it, so he didn’t need it.

I feel like I want to do almost the same thing.

I want my environment to be simplified. It needs an overhaul. It needs to be useful, and work.

It needs to be clutter-free and simplified.

Maybe I need to do it over a weekend, and have my husband watch Amelia while I do it. Or maybe I need to find someone that can watch Amelia for several hours while I do the clean out.

Decisions, decisions.

Either way. I’m ready for my house to be clutter-free.

Less mess = Less to clean = Calmer life


I sure hope so. We’ll see how this goes.